Let’s go ahead and say it: the old-school “suck it up” mindset isn’t doing your athlete any favors. In fact, it might be doing the opposite.

This episode wraps up our 4-part Summer Confidence Series by addressing something that shows up all over youth sports, often without question: the idea that mental toughness is everything. But what if that approach is actually setting your daughter back?

Let’s break it down, step by step. No fluff. Just real talk.

“Toughen Up” Isn’t Working

You’ve probably heard it or maybe even said it:

“No pain, no gain.”
“Push through.”
“Don’t show emotion.”
“Suck it up.”

But what if all that pressure to be “tough” is actually causing more harm than good?

One of the moms in our community, Shelley, recently shared something powerful. Her daughter, who’s in our Elite Mental Game program, was making mistakes at practice. But instead of spiraling, she took a moment to pause, reset, and came back stronger. Shelley noticed her daughter had more focus and was less frustrated because she had the tools to handle mistakes differently.

That’s the key. It wasn’t “suck it up and move on.” It was reset, refocus, and return. And it worked.

Mental Toughness vs. Emotional Regulation

The traditional idea of mental toughness often translates to this: Hide your emotions. Don’t complain. Push through no matter what.

But when athletes are told to shove feelings down, that doesn’t make them stronger. It often makes them anxious, tense, and more likely to burn out.

We know this because we hear it straight from the athletes. Before they join our program, many say things like:

“I have anxiety and panic attacks before races.”

“I’m a perfectionist. I always feel like I’m not good enough.”

“I lose love for my sport because I feel so much pressure.”

This doesn’t sound like confidence. This sounds like emotional exhaustion.

There’s a Better Way

You don’t have to choose between building confidence and protecting your daughter’s mental health. You can do both.

In fact, your role as a parent is critical here. Not as her coach. Not as the ref. But as her safe space.

What does that look like?

We break it down inside our “What to Say” Challenge, a four-part process that walks sports moms through exactly what to say in every phase of their daughter’s athletic journey. Here’s a quick look at how it works:

1. Day-to-Day Confidence Builders

Most of your daughter’s life happens outside of her sport. So don’t wait for game day to pour into her confidence. Start daily.

This is where we introduce something called PIQs: Positive Innate Qualities. It’s a simple way to recognize who she is, not just what she does.

One mom recently told her daughter, “You’re tenacious. I admire that in you.” Her daughter paused, asked for more, and smiled. Why? Because she felt seen.

It’s not about false praise. It’s about helping her separate her worth from her performance. That separation builds real, lasting confidence.

2. Pre-Game Pep Talks That Actually Work

If you’ve ever said “Just be confident” or “Don’t be nervous,” you already know… it doesn’t help much.

Instead, use what we call the “Name it to tame it” strategy. If she’s feeling anxious, name it. Acknowledge it. That alone takes some of the power away from the nerves.

Then, pair that with phrases that focus on what is in her control. Not the outcome, but her effort, attitude, and mindset. We give moms a full list of these confidence-building phrases because yes, words do matter.

One mom, Cindy, said just learning what her daughter actually needs to hear before games has been a game-changer. It’s allowed her to step into her role as a supportive, calming presence without giving a “speech” that backfires.

3. During the Game: Help Her Stay in the Zone

This part’s tough for a lot of us because it means stepping back.

The truth is, your daughter doesn’t need you to be the loudest cheerleader or sideline coach. What she does need is for you to stay calm and steady so she can stay in her zone.

That starts with asking a simple question: “What do you need from me during competition?”

One mom, Shanique, said after asking her daughter, she got clarity on what helped and what didn’t. That allowed her to shift into the role of a supportive, steady presence. And her daughter noticed.

Just by adjusting your tone, body language, and energy during games, you help your daughter stay focused. Yelling instructions or reacting dramatically? That’s likely pulling her out of her focus and straining her connection with you and maybe even her coach.

4. Post-Competition Scripts That Strengthen Your Relationship

This is one of the most overlooked parts of the sports journey. We either: say nothing and move on, ask a million questions, or critique everything we just saw.

But the car ride home? It’s a huge opportunity to strengthen your relationship and build her mental game.

The key is to validate how she feels without rushing to fix it. Let her lead. Use open-ended questions. And if she’s not ready to talk? That’s okay. Let her process.

One mom shared that just naming her daughter’s emotion and acknowledging it led to her daughter opening up more. That never happened before.

This isn’t just about sports. This is about raising a daughter who feels safe enough to share what’s really going on inside.

Real Mental Strength Looks Different

One of our athletes, Riley, said this recently: “I’m letting my feelings pass during practice even on hard days. Even if I have a rough start, I’m not feeling motivated. I don’t stay in that space for longer than needed. Also, my mom’s been more helpful when discussing my feelings and emotions surrounding my sport and my life in general.”

That’s what real mental strength looks like. Not ignoring your emotions but learning how to handle them.

And when a parent becomes the safe space to help her do that? That’s everything.

This Isn’t Just About Her Sport

When your daughter faces rejection, a bad grade, a job loss, a breakup… she won’t need to fake being “tough.” She’ll know how to regulate, reset, and keep moving. Because she’s practiced that with you, in her sport, with the right tools.

That’s the real win.

Want to Learn More?

If this episode struck a chord, there are a couple of ways to take the next step. You can head to TrainHerGame.com to join our free training designed specifically for sports moms. It walks you through practical ways to build your daughter’s confidence and gives you access to our 25 Phrases PDF, a cheat sheet of go-to things to say before, during, and after competition.

If you’re ready to go deeper, the Elite Mental Game program is a self-paced course that your daughter can access anytime, on any device. It’s been proven to strengthen confidence and mental performance, and it also includes coaching support for both you and your athlete. In celebration of wrapping up our Summer Confidence Series, we’re offering a discount on the program. You can find the link to that in the show notes.

Let’s raise athletes who know their worth, feel safe to share, and have the tools to show up strong, on and off the field.

You’ve got this, mom!

Episode Highlights: 

[00:00:00] Part 4 Begins. The final part of the Summer Confidence Series kicks off with a bold topic that challenges traditional advice around mental toughness.

[00:01:03] A Real-Life Win. A mom shares how her daughter is handling mistakes with more focus and confidence thanks to a new approach; not “toughening up,” but learning to reset.

[00:02:20] Why ‘Suck It Up’ Backfires. Traditional phrases like “push it down” and “suck it up” often increase anxiety and tension, leading to more mistakes, not resilience.

[00:04:10] What Athletes Are Actually Saying. New athletes in the program reveal struggles with anxiety, pressure, and burnout often caused by feeling they have to hide or ignore their emotions.

[00:05:10] When Mental Toughness Becomes Harmful. The old mindset of grinding through emotions damages confidence and the parent-athlete relationship. A new path is needed.

[00:05:41] A Healthier Approach: What to Say Challenge. Outlines a four-part communication method to build confidence, connection, and emotional awareness without outdated “tough love” talk.

[00:06:03] Understanding the Parent Role. Parents have a powerful role: shaping the environment and offering opportunities. Knowing the difference between coach, ref, and parent is key.

[00:07:21] Confidence Starts Outside of Sport. Daily conversations that highlight an athlete’s personal strengths (not just achievements) help separate identity from performance.

[00:08:33] Pep Talks That Actually Help. Simple strategies like “name it to tame it” help athletes manage nerves and channel energy before games without toxic pressure.

[00:11:18] Support During Competition. How a parent shows up on the sidelines impacts performance. Small adjustments in presence, body language, and tone can make a big difference.

[00:12:46] Post-Game Conversations That Build Trust. After a game is a key moment. Creating space, validating emotions, and asking open-ended questions help strengthen connection and confidence.

[00:14:44] This Is What Real Strength Looks Like. A young athlete describes how she’s learning to feel her emotions, move through them, and stay grounded even when the game doesn’t go her way.

[00:15:34] Preparing for More Than Sports. The goal isn’t just better performance, it’s preparing athletes for real-life setbacks with tools they’ll use far beyond the field.

[00:16:14] Next Steps + Resources. Discover our free training and explore a self-paced program designed to help both parents and athletes grow stronger together.

Next Steps:

• Grab the free Summer Confidence Series PDF that goes along with all of the episodes! Get scripts, tips, and a recap of the episodes all in one place!
• Enroll in the Elite Mental Game with a 50% discount for our Summer Confidence Series through August 8th!
• Join our FREE Training for Sports Moms – How to Strengthen Your Athlete Daughter’s Mental Game so She Believes in Herself as Much as You Do
• Visit our podcast website for more great episodes

Thank you in advance for joining us on our mission and leaving a rating and review on Apple Podcasts.