They’re fiery, fiercely independent, and sometimes downright defiant.

But here’s the secret: your strong-willed athlete might just be a future world-changer. The question is, how do you survive the journey?

If you’ve ever found yourself in a standoff with your kid over something as simple as tying their cleats or as complex as why they refuse to listen to their coach, you’re not alone. Parenting a strong-willed athlete, what I like to call a “spicy one”, isn’t for the faint of heart. But here’s the good news: it doesn’t have to be a constant battle.

In a recent episode of the Raising Elite Competitors podcast, I sat down with Mary Van Geffen, an international parenting coach for moms of spicy ones, to unpack how to navigate the wild ride of raising a strong-willed athlete. Whether your kid is 6 or 16, this conversation is packed with wisdom, practical tips, and a whole lot of reassurance.

What Exactly Is a “Spicy One”?

First things first: what do we mean by “spicy”? According to Mary, a spicy one is “the activist, the rebel, the world-changer, the athlete.” These are the kids who know what they want, march to the beat of their own drum, and aren’t afraid to take up space.

Mary explains: “They express themselves with like intense emotional outbursts and that can be rage or it can be joyful screaming. But whatever they’re feeling, everyone’s going to feel because it’s pretty contagious.  And they choose to be completely true to themselves, not others. And they possess a fierce drive for independence and doing it their way, which is why they make high performance athletes.”

Sound familiar? If you’re nodding along, you’re probably raising a spicy one. And while these traits can make them incredible athletes and future leaders, they can also make parenting feel like an extreme sport.

The Challenges of Raising a Spicy Athlete

Let’s be real: parenting a strong-willed athlete comes with its own set of challenges. Here are a few common scenarios Mary and I discussed:

• They Resist Feedback

Your kid’s coach suggests a new technique, and your athlete immediately shuts it down. “No, I don’t want to do it that way!” Sound familiar? Mary explains that spicy ones often resist trying new things because they fear failure or looking dumb.

• They Have Big Emotions

Whether it’s a bad call from a ref or a tough loss, your athlete’s emotions can go from zero to 100 in seconds. And let’s be honest, those emotions can be contagious.

• They Push Boundaries

From arguing with coaches to questioning every decision, spicy ones aren’t afraid to challenge authority. While this can be a strength, it can also lead to conflicts on and off the field.

How to Navigate the Spiciness

So, how do you parent a strong-willed athlete without losing your mind? Here are some key takeaways from my conversation with Mary:

• Embrace the Pause

One of the most powerful tools in your parenting toolbox is the conscious pause. When your kid rolls their eyes, argues with the ref, or melts down after a tough game, take a moment before reacting.

Mary says: “Pausing is everything. Notice what’s happening in your body. Are you flaring up? Are you triggered? Give yourself 30 seconds to three minutes to process before responding.”

This pause not only helps you stay calm but also models emotional regulation for your child.

• Be the Calm in the Storm

Your spicy one is already a tornado of emotions – they don’t need you to join the chaos. Instead, be the calm, grounded presence they can look to for stability.

Mary explains: “Your body is your greatest parenting tool. When you’re calm, it sends signals to your child that they’re okay. It gives them space to calm down or safely off-gas.”

• Let the World Teach Them

Here’s a hard truth: you can’t protect your spicy one from every mistake or consequence. And that’s okay.

Mary shares: “They’re experiential learners. They’re going to burn some bridges, and that’s how they learn. You can’t control their behavior, but you can influence it by how you show up.”

Whether it’s a red card, a benching, or a tough conversation with their coach, these experiences are opportunities for growth.

• Delight in Them

At the end of the day, your most important job as a parent is to delight in your child.

Mary says: “Other people can teach them life skills. But there’s only one person whose main job is to delight in them. The way you see them is the way they’ll eventually see themselves.”

This doesn’t mean ignoring bad behavior or letting them off the hook. It means loving them unconditionally, even when they’re at their spiciest.

The Bigger Picture

Parenting a strong-willed athlete isn’t easy, but it’s also an incredible opportunity. These kids are future leaders, innovators, and world-changers. As Mary puts it: “They’re not afraid to take up space and disappoint others. That’s what makes them high-performance athletes.”

So, the next time you’re in the thick of it, whether it’s a heated car ride home or a standoff over practice, remember this: your spicy one is exactly who they’re meant to be. And with the right approach, you can help them thrive.

Want More?

If you’re ready to learn more, Mary offers incredible resources for parents of spicy ones, including her signature Moms of Spicy Ones 8-week group coaching program. You can find her at maryvangeffen.com or on Instagram for daily parenting tips and inspiration.

And if you’re looking for mental training for your athlete, check out The Elite Mental Game at EliteCompetitor.com/EMG.

Remember, you’re not alone in this journey. Together, we can raise confident, resilient, and yes, ‘spicy’ athletes who are ready to take on the world.

“With great power comes great responsibility,” Mary says. “And your spicy one has been gifted with a great talent. Help them use it for good.”

Now, go hug your spicy one, even if they roll their eyes at you. You’ve got this!

Episode Highlights: 

[00:00:00] Welcome to the Episode. In this episode, I’m joined by Mary Van Geffen to talk about parenting strong-willed athletes – aka “spicy ones.”

[00:01:15] What Is a “Spicy One”? A “spicy one” is a strong-willed, independent, and fiercely competitive kid who marches to the beat of their own drum. These traits make them incredible athletes but can also be challenging to parent.

[00:02:09] Meet Mary Van Geffen. Mary is an international parenting coach who helps moms of spicy ones cultivate warmth, tenderness, and self-compassion. Her mission is to help parents thrive while raising these fiery future leaders.

[00:03:52] The Power of Small Changes. Shoutout to Jamie, a mom in our community, who made car rides after tournaments enjoyable for the first time. It’s a reminder that small changes in our approach can make a big difference.

[00:05:26] Traits of a Spicy One. Spicy ones are intense, fiercely independent, and often resist feedback or authority. They’re not afraid to take up space, which makes them great athletes but also challenging to parent.

[00:09:02] Parenting Spicy Teens. If you’ve learned to handle a spicy child, the teenage years might feel easier. Parents of mild-mannered kids, however, might find the teen years more challenging.

[00:11:09] Understanding Adolescent Brains. Teens experience adult-sized emotions without the rational thinking to match, which can lead to big ups and downs. Their brains are still under construction, so patience is key.

[00:14:31] Helping Spicy Athletes with Feedback. When your child resists coaching feedback, step back and let the coach take the lead. Be their cheerleader and help them process their emotions instead of pushing them.

[00:18:47] The Power of the Pause. Mary’s top tip: pause before reacting to your child’s behavior. Taking a moment to breathe helps you respond thoughtfully instead of reacting impulsively.

[00:22:16] Staying Calm as a Parent. Your calm demeanor is your greatest parenting tool. When you stay grounded, it helps your child feel safe and regulated.

[00:24:37] Balancing Independence and Respect. Encourage your spicy athlete’s independence while teaching them to respect authority figures like coaches and referees. It’s a delicate but important balance.

[00:26:28] Letting the World Teach Lessons. You can’t protect your child from every mistake – sometimes they need to experience natural consequences to learn and grow. It’s hard to watch, but it’s part of their journey.

[00:30:50] Mary’s Best Advice for Parents. Mary’s top advice: “Other people can teach them life skills, but your main job is to delight in them.” Your unconditional love is what they need most.

[00:33:03] Mary’s Resources. Mary offers programs like Moms of Spicy Ones and Kind Class to help parents build skills for gentle, effective parenting. Check out her website, maryvangeffen.com, for more!

[00:34:58] Closing Thoughts. Parenting a spicy one is challenging but incredibly rewarding – let’s keep supporting each other and our amazing kids.

Next Steps:

• Join our FREE Training for Sports Moms – How to Strengthen Your Athlete Daughter’s Mental Game so She Believes in Herself as Much as You Do
• Visit our podcast website for more great episodes

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