When Your Daughter Isn’t Getting Playing Time: How to Help Her Speak Up with Confidence
Let’s be real. Few things stir up emotions faster than playing time.
Your daughter’s sitting on the bench, looking crushed. You’re in the stands, biting your tongue, fighting the urge to ask, “Why isn’t she out there?”
You know she’s working hard. You see her dedication. But how do you help her handle this without jumping in or making things worse?
Playing time issues are one of the most common frustrations for both athletes and parents.
As a mom, you might see your daughter doubting herself or fuming after every game.
Maybe you’ve told her to talk to her coach, but she hesitates:
“It’s scary.”
“I don’t want to make them mad.”
“They said we can’t talk about playing time.”
Sound familiar? You’re not alone.
In this episode of The Raising Elite Competitors Podcast, Coach Bre, a certified mental performance coach and head volleyball coach, breaks down how to guide your daughter through these tricky conversations so she can advocate for herself with confidence.
Step 1: Know the Team’s Playing Time Philosophy
Before you or your daughter start the conversation, find out what the coach’s philosophy is.
Not every team gives equal minutes.
At younger levels, playing time is usually more balanced.
At higher levels, such as varsity or elite clubs, it’s earned based on position, performance, and how players work together as a team.
👉 Ask early: “How is playing time decided here?”
Clarity at the start of the season can prevent a lot of frustration later.
Step 2: Help Her Own Her Role
Even if she isn’t a starter, your daughter still has an important role on her team. 💪
Backup players, practice challengers, and role-specific athletes all make a difference.
Coaches notice athletes who stay positive, work hard in practice, and support their teammates.
Remind her: “Your value isn’t measured by minutes played. It’s shown in how you show up.”
At home, celebrate effort, growth, and attitude just as much as performance.
That mindset shift can change how she feels about her entire season.
Step 3: Check Your Own Emotions
This one can be hard.
Sometimes, the frustration over playing time comes more from us than from our daughters. 🪞 It’s okay to admit that. You want her to succeed, and it hurts when she doesn’t.
But venting about the coach or comparing her to teammates can actually hurt her confidence and make it harder for her to talk to the coach later.
Instead, try this:
- Listen first. Let her share how she feels without jumping in to fix it.
- Reflect back. “That sounds really frustrating.”
- Avoid comparisons. Focus on her progress, not others’.
Your calm presence helps her stay grounded and ready to problem-solve instead of spiral.
Step 4: Prepare Her to Talk to the Coach
When she’s ready, this is her moment to advocate for herself. That skill will serve her for life, not just in sports.
Coach Bre suggests helping her plan the conversation like this:
💬 Step-by-Step Game Plan
- Ask to talk: “Coach, do you have 10 minutes after practice tomorrow? I’d love to ask a few questions.”
- Lead with respect and curiosity: “Coach, I know you want the best for the team. Can you help me understand my role and what I can work on to contribute more?”
- Take notes: Encourage her to write down the feedback she gets.
- Say thank you: “Thank you for your time and for helping me improve.”
Even if she doesn’t hear what she wants to hear, she’ll walk away with clarity. And that builds confidence.
Step 5: Focus on Growth, Not Just the Scoreboard
Remind her that learning to have hard conversations is a win. ❤️
Whether or not she gets more minutes, she’s building:
- Communication skills
- Emotional resilience
- Confidence to handle disappointment
And if, after all of that, the environment still doesn’t feel right, it’s okay to make a change next season. Sometimes, finding the right fit is part of the growth journey.
Imagine this.
Your daughter walks up to her coach, heart racing but steady, and says: “Coach, can you help me understand what I can do to earn more playing time?”
She’s calm, clear, and confident.
That’s not just maturity. That’s mental training in action. And it’s exactly what she learns inside The Elite Mental Game, our proven program for girl athletes.
With short, simple lessons (about 10–15 minutes a day), she’ll gain the tools to manage nerves, bounce back from mistakes, and speak up even when it’s hard.
You’ll also learn how to support her without stepping in, so you both feel less stressed and more connected.
You’ve got this, Mom.
And your daughter? She’s got you. That makes all the difference.
Episode Highlights:
[00:00:00] Coach Bre sets the stage: Playing time is one of the most emotional, frustrating topics for parents and athletes alike.
[00:01:10] Shoutout to a mom in the Elite Mental Game program whose daughter gained confidence and impressed her coach within hours of completing a lesson!
[00:03:10] Invitation to join the TrainHerGame.com free training, a gateway to the Elite Mental Game program designed to boost girls’ confidence fast.
[00:04:00] Bre shares her perspective as both coach and parent: understanding playing time begins with knowing your team’s philosophy and that not every team promises equal minutes.
[00:05:30] Inside look at how Bre’s varsity team sets clear expectations and defines roles to help players feel valued even if they aren’t starters.
[00:07:00] Parents can reinforce at home that their daughter’s worth isn’t tied to playing time. Every role matters.
[00:09:20] Bre shares her own college story of being a blocking sub. This is proof that limited playing time doesn’t equal limited impact.
[00:11:00] Biggest issue parents face: unclear communication about playing time and roles. Bre encourages proactive conversations and setting expectations.
[00:11:40] Moms, check yourselves. Is it your frustration about playing time, or your daughter’s? Honest self-reflection prevents emotional overreactions.
[00:12:50] When your daughter vents, listen. Don’t bash the coach or teammates as that damages trust and team dynamics.
[00:13:50] Encourage self-advocacy! Don’t email the coach yourself. Let your daughter take the lead to build real-world communication skills.
[00:15:00] How to prepare for “the talk” with her coach: plan ahead, reflect on strengths and areas to improve, and approach with curiosity, not blame.
[00:17:00] Sample conversation starters: “Coach, can you help me understand my role?”, “What can I work on to contribute more?”
[00:18:40] Prepare her for tough feedback and remind her to thank the coach for clarity. This is growth in action!
[00:20:10] Perspective check: Coaches make decisions for the team, not just one player. Parents can remind their daughters to see the bigger picture.
[00:21:00] If the environment doesn’t fit your daughter’s goals, it’s okay to seek a better team next season. Look for one that aligns with her needs.
[00:22:00] Wrap-up: These hard conversations build confidence, communication skills, and resilience. Playing time might not change overnight, but her self-belief will.
[00:23:00] Final encouragement: Remember, your daughter’s self-worth isn’t measured in minutes on the field but in her courage to keep showing up and speaking up.
Next Steps:
- Join our FREE Training for Sports Moms – How to Strengthen Your Athlete Daughter’s Mental Game so She Believes in Herself as Much as You Do
- Visit our podcast website for more great episodes
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